©2018 by Mommy-ing In The City!

6 things I didn’t know before becoming a Mom…

April 10, 2018

It’s true what they say that nothing can ever prepare you for the journey of motherhood...

 

Yes, there are those things that people share freely with you to prepare you the journey but there are also those that hit you totally as a surprise and you barely have any time to adjust and you just have to hit the ground running. There are also those that you pick up on the way as you move along this path. For me here are the top 6 lessons I have learned in this journey thus far amongst many others…

 

  • Child birth, whether natural or otherwise leaves a woman in a very vulnerable state…

     

    Child birth is painful. It is not an easy thing to do. This is regardless of whether it’s natural birth or caesarean. The contractions and/or post C-section pain I personally feel cannot be fully described. The length of it does not make it any easier either, it can be a long struggle that may seem like it will never end. Also, it is not just physical, it’s also emotional. Women can be traumatized by the full exposure that comes with it and the momentary loss of dignity. It leaves women feeling vulnerable to say the least. This can also lead to poor self-image or self-esteem issues that they never had before. Of cause this differs from woman to woman and the same woman can actually experience child birth differently. For me my son’s birth was more traumatic than that of my daughter.  Maybe that’s because with my daughter it was all new and I was out of the room before I could sift through all the emotions and shock and phantom what was really happening. And also, my body, though it did, did not change much after the pregnancy.  With my son on the other hand, I knew exactly what was about to happen and I was dreading the experience for months but it had to happen, he had to come out of me and I was also dying to meet him and my body changed drastically I could barely see me in it and this added to my frustrations. I didn’t know this before I became a mom. I didn't know just how vulnerable a state women are left in after they give birth. I guess my focus had always been on the beautiful babies that they bring into this world but never really on inquiring about the mothers of these babies. Now whenever I see a mom with a newborn my mind runs towards what she must be feeling, how is she healing, could she be suffering PND, which I did, is there anything I can do to make her feel better? After all, I now know that this is the time that even a smile from a stranger to sort of acknowledge her possible current struggle goes a long way.

 

  • You get to know your partner better that you did before you had a child/children…

     

Watching your partner be a parent is one of the most beautiful things to be celebrated in life. Seeing them transition into that role and express that love can bring out a beautiful side that you didn’t know about them. Also the support they give you as the mother at a time when you are probably most vulnerable is very special and definitely brings a whole new dimension to the love and appreciation you already had for them. When we had our daughter we became more careful and aware of one another. Because we had a common primary responsibility that was outside of just us, that was the child, we suddenly had a mind to rehash some of the ground rules that were already there and also bring in new ones. For example, don’t prolong fights or arguments longer than we should, actually be deliberate in not letting them live long because we were both clear about the peaceful and loving environment that we wanted to raise her in. To see each other wrestle with ourselves to keep that promise made us view each other in a different light. This is just one example alluding to the fact that when you have children you grow and become someone that the other person did not know, this can of cause be positive or negative because lack of support, understanding and compassion during this time can also show a side of your partner that you didn’t know existed before.

 

  • It’s possible to be jealous of your nanny…

     

When I had my daughter I was dead set on not having a nanny. At the end of my maternity leave I would take her to daycare and pick her up after work and get a helper to come in and help around the house on certain days of the week. That was until the exhaustion kicked in, the lack of sleep followed by a pile of baby and house duties in the morning through to the night. I realized I was an angry person because I was tired all the time. I fought with my husband for not doing things that I never expected him to do before and worst of all, things I had not even communicated that he now needed to do. I felt he should know. Right?! Not!

 

I also started feeling like I was not performing like I used to at work because I was obviously overworking myself into a zombie. That’s when we decided we are getting a nanny/helper to assist. I got a great nanny. She was awesome. My daughter loved her and their bond grew so stronger with time. Now I felt I was doing less for the baby than the nanny was and that was hurtful. I felt I was failing as a mom and I was disconnecting from my baby. She was either moving towards daddy or the nanny and this didn’t sit well with me. It didn’t help when she started saying “Mama” she called everyone Mama, even the dad. Needless I say this added to my frustrations because I felt this was MY name set apart for only me and now she is freely giving it to the nanny. I felt I was not doing enough to make my little girl feel that I am Mama and not papa or nanny.  I started pressuring myself again, and looking back now I can say I was now competing with the nanny cause I didn’t really mind that she was calling Papa Mama, I actually thought it was cute but not when she said it to nanny, it made me feel like I was failing and that I was losing grip of my child and the bond we had. I am a reader so I started reading some material on this topic and actually realized that I was not the only mom who felt this and that this is especially common amongst working moms because you are at work during the day and the nanny is filling in loving your child and that makes you feel like you are somehow failing as a mother. After much! Much!  Reading and talking to other moms who were in my circle of friends, at work and everywhere I saw a mom really, I started forgiving myself and celebrating the bond that the nanny had with my baby and how happy she was with this person we had chosen for her. It came to my senses that no one can replace me in my child’s life and no one can replicate the love I have for her, it was just mommy guilt playing with my mind.

 

  • Your sex drive may decrease after having a baby…

     

I feel this should be a separate post on its own!! Phew! Well, first of all dads should really be assured that the lack of desire for sex after a woman has had a baby is highly unlikely to be about them. Hopefully they can demonstrate understanding, reassurance and support during this time. Your sex drive as a woman is directly affected the fatigue that comes with giving birth and taking care of a new- born child!  Newborns require 24/7 attention and caring and this takes its toll on the body and leaves you physically and emotionally drained to say the least and when you do get a moment to yourself, sex might not be at the top of your priorities. Also, hormonal shifts that take place during this time can also play a role in decreasing a woman’s libido. Fortunately this is temporary and things will get back to normal of even better. If this continues though I strongly advise seeing your gynaecologist to examine you and rule out the causes if any and prescribe a treatment plan or way forward.

 

  • When you transition from just being the two of you to having a child/children it’s important to be intentional about creating moments for the just the two of you…

When that cute little person finally arrives he/she has the power to consume all the time, energy and attention in the house from everyone. It is an amazing thing to watch a little human grow each day to a cute bouncy baby and to a busy toddler. It is literally watching life unfold in front you and it’s your life, you created it. It becomes the primary happening of your days and it’s all sorts of amazing. This can however steal all the time that you previously devoted to each other. The date nights and the dirty nights *wink*. It’s important for both mama and papa to be deliberate in keeping the “home fires” burning. Spend time listening to each other. Ask how the day was and what you can do to make it better. Re-introduce date night. Be deliberate and active in keeping the romance alive so as to not lose your connection with time.

 

 

  • The amount of love that a heart can hold…

There is nothing quite like the feeling of holding my child in my arms for the first time and knowing that nothing in this world can come in the way of me expressing my love to them. The epitome of nature’s beauty was all there in that moment.  To see them get soothed by the sensing of your essence around them and find comfort in your arms is indescribable really. Your soul vows for you before your words that you will give this child the best shot you have in you. It is an amazing experience to love a human like that and I never knew that there was a door leading to this love that was waiting to be unlocked in me and am eternally grateful that it finally opened.

 

Till next time...

 

XX

 

Mommying in the city!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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